16: Adam and Lindsay Yurack
“Love brought me back to where I needed to be. If I didn’t have people that loved me and cared about me, I probably wouldn’t be alive.” ~Adam
So many families believe that if they can fix that one person that seems to need the most help, then the whole family dynamic will be fixed as well. Adam and Lindsay Yurack understood that this concept was far from the truth. While Adam was going through his rehabilitation, Lindsay sought her own therapy, allowing both of them to come out of their darkest times together stronger than ever. Join Jeff as Adam and Lindsay share their inspiring journey together to overcome Adam’s addiction, and a few key points such as: Lindsay’s understanding that they both had to do the work to rebuild their relationship, how Adam’s family’s love and connection saved his life, and what the family structure that they have built together looks like to continue to support and withstand the trials of recovery.
Highlights:
01:42 In the beginning
05:20 Recognizing there was a problem
09:54 The unpretty breaking point
16:26 She had to let go, and he then realized he hadn’t been alone
25:18 Healing together as a family
33:16 What the family structure looks like now
Tweets:
Join @TFRSolution as @ACY5 and Lindsay share their inspiring journey together to overcome Adam’s addiction and what the family structure that they have built together looks like to continue to support and withstand the trials of recovery. http://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/ #family #recovery
Quotes:
14:51 “Love brought me back to where I needed to be. If I didn’t have people that loved me and cared about me, I probably wouldn’t be alive.” ~Adam
26:03 As angry as I was when all of this was happening. It really also was a moment where I knew I loved him. I knew I loved him so much and I was never ready to not be with him. I was never ready to throw in the towel.” ~Lindsay
Connect With Adam and Lindsay
Adam’s Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/adamyurack
Lindsay’s Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lindsay.silveryurack
Got ideas? Perhaps a future podcast? Schedule time with Jeff here: https://meetme.so/jeffjones
Transcriptions
JEFF: So, welcome everyone. This is Jeff from The Family Recovery Solution. And I am here on Families Navigating Addiction and Recovery Podcast with Adam and Lindsey. And I met them recently through another podcast guest. And I am very excited to have a conversation with them, specifically because their story really involves the two of them in the recovery process. And actually, they have a very well done documentary that they did that I just finished seeing the whole thing this evening. And so often times in my own journey of working with families. One of the things I say over and over again is one of the problems is so many family members really are thinking that they can just get that one person into treatment, get them fixed and then everything’s going to be fine, but that is not the way with Adam and Lindsey. So, they have some very unique things to say here. And what I’d like to do is to start out, Adam and Lindsey if each of you could just introduce yourself and let people know who you are.
ADAM: Yeah. Well thank you very much. We appreciate being on the show. This is our first podcast, so we’re super excited that you’re showing us the way. So, I’m Adam. I’m five years sober, a little over five years sober. Lindsey and I have been together for 10 years, five of which were pretty rocky during my active addiction. I think, you know, my addiction started at the age of 19, which at the time I didn’t know, but doing the work that I have been dealing, I’ve realized that it started that early for me. So, by the time Lindsey and I got married at 26, 27, I was into full blown addiction. I was in active addiction, which, you know, I kept a full time job. I was getting promoted, all the while drinking and starting to separate myself from society.
JEFF: Yeah. Thank you.
LINDSEY: Hi, I’m Lindsey. I’m the wife. So yeah, Adam and I have been, we’ve been married 10 years. We’ve been together about 15 years, so it’s been awhile. Like Adam said, probably the first five years of our marriage were pretty rough. And in the midst of that too, we had our oldest daughter at the time. And Adam’s addiction, I didn’t realize how bad it was until it was really bad.
JEFF: Yeah
LINDSEY: He was very good at hiding. He was very good at manipulating. And I think I was also in a little bit of denial when it came to that. This couldn’t be happening to me. And the reason I say that is because my mother was an alcoholic as well, and so, and that was later in my life, in my early twenties. And so I think for me, what I went through with her somewhat prepared me, I guess in a way to deal with what I was dealing with, with what Adam was going through. So, as strange as that sounds, doing it twice, I was better set to handle him the second time around. Not that it made it easier, especially when there was a baby involved, but it got me through it.
JEFF: Yeah – yeah – yeah. So, Lindsay, just so I’m clear, so then did you grow up in a household with addiction?
LINDSEY: I didn’t. I didn’t know that my mother was having an issue with alcohol until I was in my early twenties. It was then that the family, my family started to know, to notice what was going on. And my mom was in and out of a few rehabs and then she did. My mom was sober, clean and sober when she passed away seven years ago. So, she did reach her recovery and she wasn’t in a really good place. And unfortunately, you know, the damage was already done and so her life was cut short.
JEFF: Yeah. Yeah – yeah. Wow. Well, so, I guess I’m curious if you guys could talk a little bit more about the, share with the audience here who is probably going to be mainly, you know, family members, but if you could talk a little bit more about the beginning stages of like, you know, maybe Lindsey, when you first started to recognize what was going on? Some of the interactions? And maybe Adam for you, like when Lindsey first started letting you know there was a problem maybe, what was that like?
LINDSEY: I think for me, I knew something was going on with Adam. I could just tell he wasn’t himself. He wasn’t, he seemed a little bit angrier. Right? And then I started to become really controlling. I started to try to control how much he drank or count how much he was drinking or watch him all the time. And I think it was just, it was just tearing us apart really. And it was ruining me. I was so obsessed with making sure he wasn’t drinking and trying to control the situation. And then, you know, luckily for me I knew, I finally got to a point where I was back in Al-Anon. And I was saying, there’s nothing that I can do here. I cannot control this situation. The only thing I control is taking care of me and my daughter and that’s what I started to do. And it’s crazy. We were living in the same household, but we were just two passing ships. We didn’t talk to each other. I didn’t ask him to do anything. I didn’t, it was just, he was just here. And I mean, I look back and it was a sad time, but I was just at a place. And I said: “There’s nothing I can do if he doesn’t want to do anything. I can’t help him.”
ADAM: Yeah. I first became aware that Lindsey had concerns about my drinking, probably a year before our wedding. When we sat with our priest, she brought up the fact that she had some issues that we never talked about until that day. She thought, what better opportunity than to bring it up in front of a priest. So, that’s when I became aware that she thought I had a problem and that kind of went on for a while. I mean, up to three years of me trying to hide it. Sneak it. Get it where I can and that’s when the sneakiness I think started. Once I knew that she was kinda onto me and I didn’t want to stop, but I didn’t want to upset her either. But towards the end I didn’t care if I upset her. I just didn’t want to stop. You know, what I mean?
I remember there was a time where she found a couple bottles of vodka, empty bottles. I don’t know why I left them maybe to be caught subconsciously. I remember her yelling at me at the kitchen crying, bawling her eyes out and me saying to her: “But I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not hurting anyone.” While my own wife was crying, pleading with me to get help or to stop drinking. And I couldn’t see it. I just was blind –
JEFF: You couldn’t see that she was hurt.
ADAM: Yeah.
LINDSEY: And I think too is what I was watching happening with my mom. I was really jaded by alcohol. And I want to be around it. And I didn’t want it in my life and I was hoping as my husband, he would have some peace of sympathy about that or understand it more and he didn’t because he was just caught up in his own addiction.
JEFF: Yeah – yeah.
ADAM: Yeah. I think by the time that came and we lost her mother, I was already well into my late stages of alcoholism where it was just that selfish point. And it’s not that I couldn’t see because I was obviously sneaking it. It’s just it becomes a point in alcoholism where you just become absolutely blind and jaded towards everything that you don’t really care anymore and you just care about, you know, keeping that level of drinking.
JEFF: Yeah – yeah – yeah. Yeah. So, I want to ask the question and I kind of know the answer because I saw the documentary, but I would like you to talk about it a little bit for the folks on the podcast, but that is so what needed to happen to turn that around?
LINDSEY: So, it wasn’t pretty. So, there was one day I came home from work. And I walked into the house with our daughter and Adams eyes were neon yellow. And I just knew in that moment that if he didn’t get to a hospital, he was gonna die. And lucky for me, he went without kicking and screaming. He went on his own will. And he was in the ICU for about two and a half weeks. And doctors told me he had a 30% chance to live. And I actually had him transferred to a different hospital so he could have a better physician in there, a better specialist. And so, he was in an ICU at another hospital. Then he started to come around, you know, he was waking up. He stopped, went to his detox, which is a terrible thing to watch somebody go through something like that. But he was in the hospital for three, four weeks and then he had to go to a physical rehab to learn how to walk again, eat again, swallow. And then after that he went to a rehab where he had to get on a plane and go there. I make that sound very quick, but it was probably, there’s a lot of details in there, but that was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through and watch.
JEFF: Yeah – yeah – yeah.
LINDSEY: And all that time we did not like each other. I was so angry that this was happening.
JEFF: Yeah. So, just a minute, you know with Lindsey, so was it you were just kind of holding a lot of your anger in and just waiting for a time when Adam was going to be more open or how did, I mean, like looking back on it now, how do you see that?
LINDSEY: You know, I don’t know. I think I was just so angry that I was having doctors tell me that my husband might die. And I was also trying to just keep a normal day to day for my daughter and keeping the house going and running to and from the hospital and making sure he was okay and talking to doctors every hour and being there. And, you know, he was detoxing so I couldn’t have a conversation with him because he wasn’t there, you know, he was going through that. There was a time when he was awake and out of that, that we did have this –
ADAM: Clarity.
LINDSEY: – clarity conversation. And it was beautiful in a way because he just was honest and for the first time I really did feel he was honest with me.
JEFF: Yeah.
ADAM: Yeah. Meaning, I just came out like I just threw up all this information about how long I’ve been doing it. How long I’ve been hiding it. Where the bottles in the house were. Where the bottles outside were. And just saying that, you know, I know I need help and just feeling very remorseful? I think once I got some of the alcohol out of the system or the detox out of the system, I was able to at least kind of start to get a little bit of clarity about what was going on. Though it’d still be a rough road.
JEFF: Yeah – yeah – yeah. So, Adam, from your perspective, you know, family members listening to this who may have a loved one in a similar situation. Do you have any, like thoughts or anything that you would like want people to know? Maybe one thing or two or whatever.
ADAM: Yeah. I think, you know, my situation was a little different just because I was a closet alcoholic functioning. Closet alcoholic is I guess how I would label myself.
JEFF: Yeah.
ADAM: So, by the time people– found out I was an alcoholic, I was already in an ICU. But from talking to other people and seeing other people, I always say that love brought me back to where I needed to be. That if I didn’t have people who loved me and cared about me, I probably wouldn’t be alive. And I didn’t see that in active addiction. We don’t– I don’t mean to speak for all addicts in the world, but we don’t– see that these people actually love us. We, there are nuisances. They’re in our way of our fix or you know, or however we need to get it. And not until you sober up and get the help you need that you realize that all they want to do is be there and love you. And that’s one thing.
I think the other thing is in sobriety. Pat on the back goes a long way. I mean, for me anyway, I love being told like, I’m proud of you. We have a sober Saturday every year where we celebrate everyone who helps us with when I have my year sobriety. Every year, so we do a sober Saturday so everyone comes and I say it’s about them, but I mean it’s about me. It’s all about me because I am the addict, but yeah. I think that’s important is continuing to ask them how are you doing? What are you doing to make yourself better? How are you today? What are your plans tomorrow? Can we go to a movie? Do you want to go to dinner? When I got home I had that support and that was super important to me and I think that’s what helped me too.
JEFF: Sure. Yeah. So, Lindsey, like at that kind of early time period of, you know, maybe right before Adam was willing to go to the hospital or during that, is there any, like a lesson learned or something like that, that you would like to pass on to listeners?
LINDSEY: I think, you know, I probably said it earlier. Prior to Adam going into the hospital, once I got to the point where I said there’s nothing I can do, it really does take a load off of you a little bit. It is really hard to get to that point, but there’s a lot of support groups and a lot of therapy that was, I was able to get there. It wasn’t easy, but once I got to a point where I said I can’t. I don’t have a partner at this moment, and I’m just going to do it. And that’s what I did.
ADAM: And I think once she started to cut me off emotionally and not get involved is when I started to realize that there is a huge problem. I mean, I knew there was a problem, I didn’t want to do anything about it, but once she kind of threw me to the wolves and said: “This is on you now.” Made me kind of look at it differently. And I went deeper into the hole, but that’s because I kind of knew that it was the end for me one way or the other. It was either I was going to die or get sober. So, I think Lindsay stepping back from that pushed me in that direction.
JEFF: Yeah. Yeah. So one of the ways that I’ve framed this kind of stage is, you know, connection. Like one’s ability. Like the connection that you used to have that you want to have kind of thing. And oftentimes family members try to keep getting that connection. But it sounds like, you know, Lindsey got to a place she learned, you know, maybe from Al-Anon or another support group that she just needed to take care of itself. And so, whatever she did inside, Adam, it sounds like you felt that. You’ve got that message like and it was nonverbal or something.
ADAM: Yeah, absolutely. I think I felt alone already, but once she stepped away, that’s when I kind of realized that I wasn’t alone, but now I am officially alone. And I think there was some drive in that kind of forced me to throw up my hands at the end. And I was just tired of the fight, which I’m sure you know, she was on her end where I was on my end with the addiction.
JEFF: Yeah. So, I want to talk a little bit about resources and, you know, from both of you. What would you consider resources that you used or that you learned about?
LINDSEY: So for me, I’m a huge advocate about with therapy. I think it’s very important. It helped me a ton. I always say there’s two people who truly know exactly what happened with everything that was going on and that was my therapist and my best friend. They’re the only two who know pretty much every detail of what happened, but the other thing is Al-Anon, I mean, it really, I’ve been going to Al-anon for years with, I started with my mom. And it was a saving grace for me. I had a wonderful sponsor when I was on Al-Anon. And, you know, one thing that helped me a lot was because Adam wasn’t here and he was in the hospital and we had a young daughter. I couldn’t get to meetings. Right? It was just me. And the woman who was sponsoring me at that time said: “You know, there’s a phone number you can call and you can dial into Al-Anon meetings.”
And I didn’t know that. And so, I would sit at night and sit on calls with people all over the country to help me. You know, they help me. I helped them. And it was just a place to go. And I never knew that that even existed. So, I didn’t have to go to a meeting. I could just be on the phone and be at a meeting.
JEFF: Yeah.
LINDSEY: So that was really helpful. And –
ADAM: The couple’s therapy.
LINDSEY: Well, then. Yeah. And Adam and I still today we still go to couples therapy together. And it is so beneficial for both of us. It’s just a great place for us to be. It’s great to have a third party involved who can help us sort out things and help us with our communication. And it works. It works for us.
ADAM: Yeah.
JEFF: Great.
ADAM: Yeah. For me, I was thrown onto an airplane, brought to a different state, stripped, searched and then thrown into a rehab facility.
LINDSEY: I mean, you weren’t –
ADAM: [laughs] You get the point. So, but it was the best rehab facility that I could have ended up at. I learned moral recognition therapy, MRT, which is my staple and my go to for everything. And basically for people who don’t know what that is, it’s pretty much exactly what it is. It’s Moral Reconation, which is I had morals at one point. My parents taught me morals at one point. I learned them on myself at one point. It was just finding them, again, getting past your ego and getting back to your inner self to make those decisions. And a lot of people say: “Oh, you know, I went to this rehab facility. And they peeled back the onion or we peeled back the onion.” They took a sledge hammer and hit as hard as they could and broke me down to the bottom until I could build myself back up. And honestly it was 7:00 in the morning till 9:00 or 10:00 at night of just you working on you. And figuring out how to become, getting back to becoming a better person and how to get people who care about you back in your life.
JEFF: Yeah. Oh my gosh! Wow! So for you, that Moral Reconation Therapy, it sounds like was a big, it was an opportunity to really look inside and do your own work.
ADAM: Yeah, absolutely! I think, I always say that one of my superpowers is my ability to stay sober because my belief through Moral Reconation Therapy and Lindsey’s differ. And I know science differs from my opinion, but is that I’m always in control of my addiction, that addiction isn’t in charge of me. That I actually have the will power to control that addiction. And I think by learning that through MRT, I’ve been able to stay on the path of sobriety this whole time.
JEFF: Wow! Wow! Congratulations. And are you in some kind of support groups regularly or?
ADAM: So, I tried AA when I got home. I tried NA when I got home. I tried to go to meetings, you know, three times a week. And I think I did that for a good two months or so. And I just realized that AA is an amazing program for everyone around the country. And it’s an amazing 12 step tool. I just realized I learned completely different from those steps. And it didn’t translate to me. So, I took a step back from it. I did smart meetings for a while online, which were very helpful as very young group, but very helpful. And I too see a therapist every other week. So, that’s what I do now.
JEFF: All right. Wow. So then, and then, like you guys have some – oftentimes when I see people, it’s like one person goes in one direction of healing and the other person goes in the other direction of healing. And oftentimes I kind of wonder, like, you know, how do they heal together as a family kind of thing. And it seemed, I heard that you guys have the couples therapy thing, but it’s also, it seems like there’s something unique here. And I’m not sure how to put my finger on it.
ADAM: Yeah. Oh! Do you want to start?
JEFF: [laughs]
LINDSEY: [laughs] Well, I was just going to say, for me, I think one of the things that I did recognize during all of this was, as angry as I was, when all of this was happening. It really also was a moment where I really, I knew I loved him. I knew I loved him so much. And I was never –
JEFF: Yeah.
LINDSEY: I was never ready to not be with him. And I was never ready to throw in the towel. And I was just never ready to do that. And I think when he went away to rehab, I got to breathe for a minute, but I also, I missed him. I missed him so much. And I think through all of this, I always loved him. I just, I think we just needed to get back to that. And we both had to do the work to get back to that. And so, I think because both of us did the work, that we’re able to make this work. I think, if it was only happening on one part, if I said: “Oh! It’s only Adam’s issue, like he has to go to rehab. And he has to do all the work and then come back and everything will be normal.” That’s just not realistic, right? Because –
JEFF: Right. Yeah.
LINDSEY: – we have to figure out how to do this together. And, you know, I’m sure you saw it in the documentary when Adam was at rehab. You know, one of the things he said was, I just don’t want to be questioned. I don’t want to say, where are you going? What are you doing? And we didn’t do that. It was like an unspoken thing we had were, because I was doing what I needed to do on my end.
JEFF: Right.
LINDSEY: I wasn’t going to question him because I knew there wasn’t anything I could do to control the situation. And I think that helped us immensely.
ADAM: Yeah. Yeah. And me coming home, I knew that apologies just weren’t going to work. And I wasn’t gonna give them. I knew that the only way I could show people that I was normal or on the road to recovery or recovered is just by staying sober and keep working, you know, my steps in my program. And eventually those walls will come down and then that’s when I can, we can find a balanced together. And people and, you know, loved ones do have to go on their own journey. I watched someone, you know, smell one of my drinks once and, you know, one of my soda or a Seltzer and I was okay with it, you know, because that meant they cared about me. Like, why else would they be smelling that drink unless they cared about me, you know. Not that they didn’t believe me because they cared about me and that was the only way they knew how to show it at the time. They could’ve just asked. [laughs]
JEFF: Well, Adam, I really liked the way, you know, you had this positive re-frame, this positive interpretation. They cared about me. It wasn’t like they were being judgmental or they didn’t trust me.
ADAM: Yeah. Yeah. I –
JEFF: As you were talking about this story, I was thinking like he could say that next, but you didn’t say that next. And I’m like –
ADAM: Yeah. And same thing with people questioning, you know, I told someone I want to die. I was two years sober. And they’re like: “Where you really been two years sober? You know, and I accepted their challenge. My friend Andrew, we’ll be out to dinner and he’ll take my drink and test it for me. So, he knows that I’m not drinking, like the waitress didn’t bring me alcohol.
JEFF: Oh! Yeah.
ADAM: So, it’s –
JEFF: He cares about you.
ADAM: Exactly. Exactly. And I think that’s the way you have to see it. I think when I was in active addiction and Lindsey would smell my drink, I would flip out, you know, obviously. But in sobriety you learned that it’s just love. It’s just love. It’s just these people trying to care about you. They don’t know how to do it maybe, but they do it the way they do it. And you just gotta roll with the punches.
JEFF: Yeah. Gosh, you know, I have to say watching the documentary, I was like, you know, tearing up when like, you were coming home. And like, the talking about like what your daughter did.
ADAM: Yeah.
LINDSEY: Oh! I can’t get through that story without crying. I remember it vividly.
ADAM: It’s unreal. And the funny thing is, and Lindsey will attest to this. We had a class at rehab called Emerging Thoughts. And it was like, what do you want to happen? And there’s a picture, I’ll have to post it or something, but there’s a picture, stick figure. I’m not a great artist, but a stick figure of me and my daughter meeting in the airport with, you know, plane flying by. And it came true. And it’s just like, how is that even possible, you know, to be in a movie, like feeling like I was on a movie set, getting off the planes scared and having your three year old daughter run up to you. It was pretty –
LINDSEY: It was emotional.
ADAM: Yeah. It was emotional.
LINDSEY: Very emotional.
ADAM: But that’s when I knew, that was the point where I knew that I have to do this now, you know. And that was really effective. Lindsey must have set that up or something because that was – [laughs]
JEFF: [laughs]
LINDSEY: I mean, you couldn’t have written that any better. It just was amazing. It was the best moment ever. I’ll never forget that moment.
JEFF: Yeah. Yeah – yeah. So, in the documentary, I mean, it’s like your daughter, you were saying your daughter was two. And it was like, you know, daddy has a booboo or he needs to, you know, he’s sick and –
LINDSEY: Yeah.
JEFF: But it’s like, you know, Adam made this comment like, you must have set her up or something like that and like, is there anything to that or?
LINDSEY: No. I’m telling you, you know, when Adam was away I said exactly that. You know, I said: “Daddy had a boo boo. He’s got to get it fixed.” And she was two, so, you know, there wasn’t much I had to really go into detail about with her. And the day we went to pick Adam up from the airport, I was nervous. I was excited. I, you know, I had so many emotions running through me. And we were, you know, we did the thing, you parked the car, you go in, you know, and we’re just waiting. And she was just sitting with me and all of a sudden he came around the corner and she bolted. And I mean, she hadn’t seen him in almost four months.
JEFF: Wow.
LINDSEY: And so, she just went right at him and it was –
ADAM: Magical.
LINDSEY: It was magical. And that was the moment that it was like, this is our new life, this is our new chapter. Like, she set us up and we’re going to be okay.
JEFF: Yeah. Yeah – yeah. So, then can you guys talk a little bit about, and so I’m guessing, but like anything, just kind of like in the family structure that you incorporated to increase the protective factors or, you know, the family connecting on a regular basis or.
LINDSEY: Sure. Yeah. So for us, yeah, we set some boundaries for sure. Our house is the safe zone, right? So our house, there’s no alcohol in our house. Nobody can bring it. It’s not allowed on our property. So we are sober house because this is our safe zone. Early in recovery, with both Adam and I, when we would have something happen, Adam and I, we used to drive separately to things. So, that early in Adam’s recovery, if he didn’t feel comfortable, he had the option to leave. And before we would go anywhere, we would talk about it. If we were going together, we would say: “Okay, let me know how you feel if you want to go, we’re going to go.” And so it was a lot of having a plan A, plan B, and plan C, plan D just to figure out what worked and what didn’t. And I think because we respect each other that I understand that he’s worked really hard to get where he is today and as of I. And if he doesn’t want to be somewhere, he doesn’t have to be somewhere. So, that, we did that a lot in the beginning.
ADAM: Yeah.
LINDSEY: We would take two separate cars. So, if there was ever a time where it was like, okay. Both of our families are wonderful. They’re very supportive. We’d go on vacations with both of them. And when we’re in the house for vacation, everybody’s with us and there was no alcohol in the house when we’re on vacation. So our families are super supportive when it comes to that.
ADAM: Friends were very supportive. Yeah.
LINDSEY: Yeah. We have a great set of friends.
ADAM: They ask the rules.
LINDSEY: Yap. Our friends are really respectful.
JEFF: Oh my gosh!
LINDSEY: Yap. They ask us, you know, what can we do? Do you mind? And I think it has a lot to do with, Adam and I are very open about this and we talk about it. And we tell people just ask us, don’t feel uncomfortable. Just ask and we’ll tell you what works. And Adam is very honest about it. And so I think we just set our boundaries and we make this sound like it’s really simple.
ADAM: Yeah. [laughs]
LINDSEY: I don’t mean it –
ADAM: Piece of cake.
LINDSEY: – like, no problem. It took us a really long time to get here, you know? So, we’ve done a ton of work. So, I don’t want it to come off as sounding like no big deal.
ADAM: Yeah. We did. Yeah. You got this.
LINDSEY: But it’s a lot of work, but I mean, we’re in a really good place right now.
ADAM: Yeah, because we also want people to know that there are happy endings, you know.
JEFF: Sure.
ADAM: And if you want to do the work that you can get to that state. And that’s, Lindsey and I have found throughout the years that the more and more we talk about it, the more and more people come forward and ask for our help. And want our help. And family members especially, you know, I think it all does start a lot with Lindsey. A lot of family members will go to her and talk to her. And then she just gives them advice on what worked for her. And then you know, there’s been a couple times where they want me to get involved with the addict. And, you know Jeff, if they don’t want to be involved then I can’t. I can’t help them. So I always say, this is my phone number. If they want to call me, they can call me and I will work with them.
JEFF: Yeah. Yeah.
LINDSEY: He’s good at that. He’s good at holding people accountable, where I’m like: “Did you call them? Did you check on them? Are they okay? And he’s like: “Linds they have to call me.”
JEFF: Yeah. Well, the other thing too that I like is you guys have this documentary online, and people can look at that, you know, without calling you, you know. And they can get a little bit of sense of Oh! This is what this guy’s like.
ADAM: Yeah.
LINDSEY: Yeah. We’re putting little snippets out there at a time. So we’re getting it out there, but we’re trying to figure out, you know, what we really want to do with it. I think our being point is we just want to help people. That’s it. We just, we want to help people and we want people to know that there are a lot of people in the same situation they’re in at the moment.
JEFF: Sure. Yeah. And so do you guys have something, and this may sound too structured or formal or something like that, but like a family plan, you know, some agreement kind of did well, you know, maybe that are in writing or that you both know and you know, maybe it’s something that you’ve talked about it in couples therapy or something. I don’t really know.
LINDSEY: You mean if he drinks again, I’m going to ship him off to rehab?
ADAM: She will. She’ll do it.
JEFF: [laughs] Well, I don’t know. I mean, I’m just kind of like thinking about like the future kind of like navigating the future and if there’s structure that you get that works for you guys that you can talk about how you see the future and what you have in place to navigate it.
ADAM: Yeah. Well I can say for one, our structure was pretty secure as we brought another kid into the world. So we had our second child. And I think if it’s not broken, we’re not going to try to fix anything. We’re kind of, we know when we need to get more work, when we need to go to therapy, when we need to hit the gym a little harder. We know when to support each other. We know when the other one needs to back off. And I think what’s important, the most important obviously is just a line of communication, just always staying open. And I don’t have that fear of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. So I think that’s super important too, is that, you know, we keep that open line of communication open. I think as far as relapsing for me, and then Lindsey can talk a little bit about. You know, in rehab I had to plan my relapse. So I had my relapse plan in place just in case the time ever comes and break that glass when we get there. But, you know, I always say to people who asked me about recovery is that relapse for me isn’t a part of my recovery so as of right now I’m going to stay sober.
JEFF: Cool.
LINDSEY: I think Adam and I went so hard when he came home about fixing us and fixing our marriage that we were in therapy and we were doing the work and we were gaining the trust back. Right? Because you lost it all. It was all gone. And we had to rebuild from the bottom up. And I think us rebuilding, as Adam said, it’s put us in a really good place and we don’t, we’re not afraid to ask the hard questions to each other. And it may be hard and it may not be pretty, but we have to ask them. And I’m with them if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. And it’s working for us right now.
JEFF: Yeah.
LINDSEY: And I think as long as we continue to do the work we have to do to be a better couple and better parents and better friends and all that, then I think we’re on a good road right now.
ADAM: Yeah. For example, I tried to take the summer off of therapy this year, I thought: “Why don’t I just take a step back. June, July and August and just kind of, just take a break from it. And see where it goes.” And it was just, it was a terrible idea.
LINDSEY: I can agree. I can agree with that idea.
ADAM: It was a terrible idea. I couldn’t wait to go back and catch up on everything. But, you know, I think that’s the most important part of us is bringing it out into the light and sharing it with others because as long as we keep doing that, if I tell one person, now they can take that with them and it takes a little off of me and the same thing I’m sure for Lindsey.
JEFF: Yeah. Yeah – yeah. Great. Well, so is there any point that I didn’t ask about that you would like to share.
LINDSEY: You know at one point that I would share as somebody who is a family member has a loved one going through addiction. What I didn’t understand until Adam came home and we really talked through a lot of things, is I didn’t know how dark it was for him. I didn’t know how alone he felt and he felt like there was no hope for anything. And for me it really changed my mindset that when I hear that somebody is battling with addiction, I don’t, the only thing that I think about is, Oh God! My heart hurts because I feel so much pain for this person because I know they feel so alone.
JEFF: Yeah.
LINDSEY: And that’s a big piece that I couldn’t see in the moment because I was just so angry about a lot of things that he really did teach me that.
JEFF: So Lindsey, how did you recognize, you know, kind of like start to get a sense of what was it like for him inside?
LINDSEY: When he came home, he told me a lot of things. He –
ADAM: I came home with a huge notebook.
LINDSEY: Yeah. He came home with a huge notebook and we went through a lot of things. But I got to tell you that a year after Adam was home, he was invited back to his rehab to talk and I went with him. And I had this whole image of what this rehab place was in my head.
ADAM: Five star.
LINDSEY: And I really thought it was this five star place and he was getting massages and there was a waterfall. I’m telling you, I made this in my head. And we walked in and Adam had to get, and we walked in and there was security and they checked him and –
ADAM: I had to pee.
LINDSEY: – searched him. He had to pee and all this stuff. And then he started to walk me around the place and I just started crying because it wasn’t fancy. There was no waterfall. All I thought of was, oh my God! He must’ve been so scared coming here. And I felt guilty in a way that: “Oh my God! I sent him. I did this to him. I sent him here and he must have been so afraid.” And I just, it really was just a swift kick, I guess it into what he had to deal with. And I think me seeing where he was for seven weeks, I think that was really important.
JEFF: Wow. Wow.
ADAM: For me, to family members, you know, the addicts, that person you love is in there. You might not see him or her, but that person is locked up in there and a piece of them wants to get out. And they have to find their own way out, but just know that person still in there somewhere deep.
JEFF: Wow. So, this was a locked facility and for you it was transformative.
ADAM: Yeah! Absolutely. I mean, she makes it sound like crazy bad, but it was honestly the best place I could have ever went to. I met amazing people. My counselors were amazing. I stay in touch with them. And you did, like I said, you did the work from the moment you got up until the moment they put you back in your room.
JEFF: Wow. Yeah. Wow. Great. Well, I really appreciated this conversation. I feel like I learned quite a bit from you guys. So one last time, any nuggets to share before we – what I’d like to do is to ask how people could get ahold of you.
LINDSEY: So, either way they can message me probably on facebook. It’s Lindsey Silver-Yurack and, or Instagram, either one. The one thing that I think we said it throughout this podcast is we talk about this. We don’t have a problem talking about this and that’s for us, that’s the important peace. People are so afraid to talk about this. And I think us just being open and putting our flaws out there makes other people feel like they could talk about it too. That we aren’t perfect. Everything isn’t wonderful all the time. It gets ugly and that’s okay.
JEFF: Do you guys have plans for the documentary? Like what you would like to do with that?
LINDSEY: We’re still trying to figure it out. I don’t know. I would love to do something wonderful with it because I, like I said, I want to keep telling it. So any ideas let us know. We’re open to suggestions.
ADAM: Yeah, I enjoy speaking. I got to go back and talk to my high school. So that was fun. I got to talk to seniors because that’s pretty much where at the end of my high school, senior year was when I started with alcohol, so I thought it was important to talk to the young kids about it and to, you know, let them know that it’s not just the opioid addiction, but you know, booze. Booze can get you there too. I too am on Facebook and Instagram. It’s Adam Yurack Y-U-R-A-C-K and message me and let me know if I can share any words of wisdom. I’d love to help.
JEFF: All right, great. Thank you guys very much.
LINDSEY: Thank you so much having us. This was awesome.