Change

Realistically and for a variety of reasons, treatment is not always available when your loved one is ready. Professional interventionists can help with this process.

But know that the stages of change are not just about one person’s change.

Ideally, you want to create conditions that best support the change to be maintained. But unfortunately addiction is often seen as an individual problem with individual solutions. It’s not. It takes a village.

The thinking, “I don’t need to change anything. I didn’t do anything wrong” prevents those in the periphery of the addiction disruption from recognizing subtle and not so subtle impact. Yep, you didn’t do anything wrong, but you’ve been in the “line of fire.”

Addiction impacts the thinking of everyone that surround the disruption.

• Right/wrong thinking
• Good/bad thinking

I’m guessing you know that making decisions is difficult. But once your loved one is safe, you may mistakenly think there is nothing else you can do. Whether your loved one has engaged in outpatient or in a residential facility, you probably have a respite.

You may mistakenly think the only change will be coming from your loved one

Your thinking, your choices, your behaviors either reinforce patterns that existed while the addiction grew (and will likely reinforce addiction again), or they reinforce a new direction.

Know that your change is crucial. Align your thinking with a new direction and new thinking.

First, new thinking is about becoming aware of your self talk, the way you have responded to them in the past and approaching anew in your own thinking. You’ll want to be in the best headspace before taking action.

• Recognize your old story about the addiction and your loved one
• Become aware of your own black/white thinking
• Become curious about thinking between black and white
• In your thinking, separate addiction from your loved one
• In your language, separate addiction from your loved one

Second, contrary to old thinking, your role is crucially important to your loved one’s recovery success and your future connection with them. If you expect your loved one to change back to the person they were before, just without the cycle of crisis and conflict, this thinking will contribute to a gap in your relationship. The stage of change is an opportunity to recreate your relationship with your loved one. The misinformed thinking that hopes things will go back to normal reinforces the potential for addiction to take root, again. Your actions speak volumes.

Taking action can start with basic do’s and don’t’s:

• Do become curious and learn about alcoholism and drug addiction.
  • https://www.samhsa.gov/capt/practicing-effective-prevention/prevention-behavioral-health/risk-protective-factors
  • https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/drugs-brain
  • https://www.erowid.org/
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIOQRgEzXcc&app=desktop
• Do become curious and learn relational pattens that arise in families with addiction.
  • http://www.drugs.ie/drugs_info/for_parents_carers/effects_on_the_family/
  • https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-hidden-pain-of-the-ad_b_732753
  • https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/why-the-disease-definition-of-addiction-does-far-more-harm-than-good/
  • https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-addiction-connection/201406/the-family-history-addiction
  • https://www.fastcompany.com/3045229/how-your-grandparents-lives-affect-your-resilience-to-stress
  • https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/genes/
• Do separate your loved one from addiction in your thinking and speaking. Addiction has impaired the brain functioning and thinking of your loved one and a period of abstinence does not immediately heal past distorted thinking that was amplified by addiction.
• Do go slow with rebuilding trust.
• Do focus upon your own life and responsibilities. It is important to reclaim one’s life or the addiction will hold the family hostage as well.
• Do pay attention to your loved one, watch, listen, and-short of watching an oncoming bus bear down on them-stand aside and give them space to make mistakes. Doing things they can do for themself is part of the old pattern. If you function well with a task or responsibility, it is to create a safe container for them to go through their own process.
• Do let your loved one experience consequences of their actions. When family members remove the consequences they remove the motivation to stay sober.
• Do let your support of your loved one financially come with clear expectations. Addiction is expensive and in the end, most of the cost is the burden of the family. Paying for the person’s rent, utility bills, and legal fees can enable and support drug use. Learn from your choices.
• Do avoid reacting with anger and pity. Often a family member’s expression of anger is followed by a feeling of pity.  Addiction can manipulate your anger.
• Don’t analyze your loved one’s drinking or drug use.
• Don’t make idle threats. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Generally, addiction does not respond to threats and will call your bluff. Follow through or don’t say it.
• Don’t expect people in early recovery to keep a promise. They may sincerely wish to, but addiction prevents them from following through.
• Don’t preach, lecture or try to reason. Tactics of guilt or shame to maintain recovery do not work and cause more problems.  The thinking from an impaired brain of addiction does not automatically heal when sober.
• Don’t accommodate addiction. Addiction starts as a slow, and gradual unwelcome “guest” that infiltrates the family’s home, lifestyle, and attitudes, which are likely unnoticed.  Examples of accommodation include locking up valuables, not inviting guests for fear of potential embarrassment, adjusting one’s work schedule to be at home, and not taking a vacation for fear of not being available.

Change won’t happen unless you make it important and practice

I’m sure you know that change does not happen from reading this list. You need to practice over and over to develop a new habit. Why? Because the old habit has been practiced over and over and if you respond, react or take an action without thinking you, any of us, will go back to whatever is our default. The belief system cycle describes a very easy to understand process about how habits develop and how you can change them.

Your loved one’s change brings about an opportunity for you

If you’re at the stage of change it probably means that your loved one is changing as well.

On one side of a continuum, your loved one’s change may be occurring in an inpatient treatment center, which ideally means they have a family program. Attend. Take it seriously. Realize the family program presents a lot of good info. Ideally, everyone in your family will attend, be open to new info, get on the same page, have structured communication about the info, practice it, and as a family continue communication about how the change is going for each person. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon that all family members are not at the family program.

On the other side of the continuum, your loved one’s change may be starting in self-help groups, like AA or NA. The family self-help group component is Al anon. Attend. Al anon is a great program. There are a community of likeminded people at Al anon. It’s low cost. Although the meetings don’t allow cross talk, you’ll meet people and have ongoing support. Al anon folks understand how addiction impacts families.

Reluctance to seize the opportunity

Unfortunately, I’ve also seen families object to Al anon for fear of seeing someone they know, having to deal directly with their shame, their embarrassment, and risk tarnishing their self image. They fear addiction is a sign of a personal deficit. It’s not.

Statistically, 1 in 3 families in the US are impacted by deaths from addiction. Imagine how many families are impacted by addiction before death. Then imagine going 3-4 generations back, and the number of families who have been impacted by addiction grows even more. Families personalize and carry shame from addiction that trickles down over generations.

The growth rate of addiction increases the need to depersonalize the trickle down of shame so families can respond quickly and become more effectively. Accepting humanness is an antidote.

Then considering Dr. Gabor Mate’s expanded definition of addiction, “any behavior that initially brings pleasure and relief, but eventually results in problems, causes harm and negative consequences, but I can’t stop because I crave it,” the number of people impacted expands again.

Addiction in its many forms is rampant, but hides behind normality.

Addictive behaviors happen frequently to quite a few people, but when shame restricts our ability to take new action, stagnation and habitual patterns keep us stuck in old beliefs, old thinking, and old ways of reacting.

Addiction in the family is an opportunity for everyone, not just one person, to make significant change in their own life, and in the life of their family.

Your general decision making process

For many of us, our lives are busy. We’re constantly on the move. We make decisions quickly. Habits can support quick decisions. But unknowingly habits can also support a hesitation to act or an inability to take new action when needed.

Just knowing what to do and doing it is a first step to change, as in the “Do’s and Don’t’s” (above). But, optimally you want them to become your own, understand your personal nuances, and create new habits. To make the suggested “Do’s and Don’t’s” your own you’ll want to look at your own beliefs. Your beliefs drive your thinking, your actions, your feeling about your life situation, which reinforces your beliefs. This is the belief system cycle and it’s operating all the time.

Everyone in your family has a different decision making process

When we look at the different roles in the spotlight diagram it becomes obvious that everyone of the roles is a different strategy with a different underlying belief. One of the things that contributes to making these roles so confusing is that the person in each role imagines the thoughts and feelings of people in the other roles. They do not check out if their imagination is accurate. Instead, they take action based on their imagination being accurate, but it’s not.

Underlying beliefs drive each strategy (avoid, blame, help, or disengage with the family). Each role has a different story of the pathway of addiction. Each role will make meaning of their story differently. Hence, each role has different underlying beliefs and a different process to make decisions about the need to change.

Change includes recognizing each family member is on their own journey, and has their own decision making process within the lifecycle of the family story (past, present, and future). Ideally, one of the upshots of addiction in the family is it provides an opportunity to learn fluid awareness: moving your attention back and forth from recognizing the context around addiction to the specifics and detail today.

Change includes seeing addiction for what it is

The face of the grim reaper is behind the smiley face mask that addiction wears as it first steps into your home. Addiction is an unwanted guest, shows an attractive smile, but secretly spreads its sinister roots to everyone. Each person in your family will likely view the unwanted guest through a different lens, see different things, make meaning differently, and come to different conclusions. A difference of opinion among family members happens frequently.

Addiction works its blood encrusted fingers into the relational template between family members. Addiction aims to control and stops at nothing. Nothing.

Obviously, the structure of the family is disrupted by addiction. But the disruption is an opportunity for everyone to fluidly move back and forth from the narrow detail of the problem to the context that surround it, be open to what arises and make new choices.

Family structural change to increase factors that protect individuals in the family

The spotlight diagram is a visual snapshot of relational patterns that develop when addiction in the family grows to crisis and disruption. It’s important to know that given the levels of stress and the time people have had this stress, everyone is doing their best to cope. The circles in the diagram are coping roles. Some people in the family may gravitate to one role and see themselves in one role, while others will see them in a different role. The three orange circles (roles) are most active. The diagram is merely a snapshot that allows a perspective of each family member to see the larger context around the problem. Each family will have its own variation of this diagram. Past generations likely had a variation of these patterns. Now is the time to change.

Coping roles brought on by addiction

The three people in the roles in orange—helping, blaming, and the person who is the individual of concern—are the most active. They flip in seconds, and often for a reason you cannot understand in the moment. In other words, you may see yourself in one role and me in another, and I may think the exact opposite. The roles in orange are most vulnerable to flipping every few seconds and to misinterpretation. Let’s take a simplified example to show this flipping and misinterpretation.

Imagine a boy scout and an elderly woman both standing at a crosswalk. When the light turns green, the Boy Scout, assuming he should help, reaches over and puts one arm around the elderly woman and with the other hand he supports her arm. The woman is startled and looks up. Immediately, she takes her cane and starts to hit him. He backs off and looks surprised. The Boy Scout saw himself in the helping role and focused on the elderly woman assuming she needed help. The elderly woman had a different perspective. When the woman hit the Boy Scout with her cane, she saw him as the problem, blamed him, and hit him. Assumptions were made. No clear communication happened. It’s a simple example, but it is much easier to see this pattern when it’s simple and it’s about someone else.

In the spotlight diagram, the large circle in the middle, the individual of concern, represents the addiction in your family. Three lines at 1, 3, and 5 o’clock come from the center and go out to smaller circles. The lines represent different communication styles and patterns in response to the increased anxiety of addiciton. The family member in the role at 1 o’clock likely has similar behaviors as the individual in the center, but with no problematic consequences. Dropping down to 3 o’clock, the family member in this role has a desire to stay connected, but they do not want to talk about the problem. The family member in the role at 5 o’clock wants to talk about the problem and does so sharply, confronting with blame and accusation.

The family member in the role at 7 o’clock, snuggled up close to the center circle, is another role. This role has a narrow focus of trying to help, fix the problem or help the person. However, their help does not allow the individual in the center to feel the weight of their own behavior or allow them to take responsibility when they can.

Another role, distancing, at about 10 o’clock has no line. No communication. The family member in this role has tried and tried to make changes in the system, but they’ve failed. They’re frustrated. They’re over it. They’ve pulled away, often drawing a boundary between themselves and the structure of the family. All of these roles orient around the center role in some ways giving them power and in other ways attempting to take their power.

But when the invisible pattern of the Spotlight Diagram stays invisible the focus will stay on the individual in the spotlight, the individual of concern. The narrow focus of a survival strategy that comes from each role will continue. Often, family members who want to change have no other choice than to go to another role in the Spotlight Diagram. It feels like their choices are limited to those in the diagram. Often, this leads to a high level of stress – some which can be useful, but over time if the individual cannot find time for their own life, their own self care and learn to regulate themselves back to calm, their body continues to take a depleting impact.

Over time the nervous system responds to addiction with the same strategy, the same thinking patterns and the same underlying beliefs. The regularity of these patterns over time creates well worn tracks in the brain, life the belief system cycle.

From family coping roles to family healing-one step at a time

The goal is for a family to create structural protection from addiction. However, in the process to go from where you are now to structural protection from addiction there are components that are similar from family to family, and obviously there are differences.

Structural protection from addiction has different gradations. Picture a continuum. On one side, you alone make some changes in your relationship with self/other/family (your relational template), changes that moves in the direction of increasing protective factors in the family. On the other side of the continuum, everyone in your family decides to make changes in their relationship with self/other/family (their relational template). In general, these changes will impact the larger structure of the spotlight diagram. Specifically, when multiple people in the family are in a change process, the family structure becomes fluid. Family change supports the individual change of everyone. Specifically, family change supports the change of your loved one who was in the individual of concern role.

It is not realistic to expect every family to have the same process of change. However, there are elements that every family has in common and tools to help guide families in their process of change. Addiction presents an opportunity for change. From the standpoint of connection, addiction has manipulated the interpersonal connections in the family. Addiction weakened or manipulated connection with your loved one. It’s time for change.

Moving from family coping to family healing starts with human connection

First, individual connection to self. Second, interpersonal connection with others in the family.

Common elements of change in interpersonal connections:

• Trust building
• Boundaries
• Communication skills
• Conflict Resolution skills

Trust building

The uninvited guest of addiction has brutally come into your family and taken advantage of the connection you have with your loved one. Emotional wreckage lies in the wake of your loved one’s transition from addiction to recovery. Underneath the connection is love. Listen to my podcast interview with Dr. Michael Levin where he explains what happens in the brain with love and connection, and what happens in the brain with addiction and recovery.

http://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/category/podcasts/

Boundaries

Without boundaries change will not happen in your family. Without boundaries expect more confusing, painful interpersonal interactions like the spotlight diagram. Your loved one in early recovery does not erase painful interactions from the past. Setting boundaries is a requirement, without them your loved one will experience the same interpersonal relationships as in addiction. Aspects of your connection with your loved one may be a trigger. The past is not your fault, but now it is your responsibility to know a larger picture and take action in ways that contribute to best possibilities for you getting your needs met.

Communication skills

In the spotlight diagram, each coping role is imagining the thoughts and feelings of people in all the other roles. The problem has been that there’s been enough stress in the family that people react to crisis and assume what they imagine others are thinking and feeling is accurate. But it’s not always accurate. This assumption contributes to the pain, confusion, and emotional wreckage in the family. New communication skills support new conversations to begin the process of healing the emotional wreckage.

Conflict Resolution Skills

Over time conflicts have piled up. Addiction has threatened your loved one and demanded your attention. The roles in the spotlight diagram show it’s a natural human reaction to react to a loved one’s suffering. But these natural human reactions bring conflict. Conflict is human, but in times when addiction disruption and crisis is at its peak wasn’t the time to resolve conflict.

Previous methods of making decision and resolving conflict are not going to be effective when your loved one is in recovery. In my podcast interview with Dr. Michael Levin, he explains that just because someone is in recovery does not mean their brain has healed. He clarifies that depending on the extent of addiction and the impact on the brain it may be years before full healing of cortex functioning. http://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/category/podcasts/

Difficult and confusing relational dynamics are not restricted to addiction

Over fifty years ago, Stephen Karpman published a paper, “The Drama Triangle” about the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts, and the destructive and shifting roles people play. The three roles are victim, rescuer, and persecutor. The victim is central, however not meant to represent an actual victim but someone who feels and/or acts like a victim.

The victim’s thinking is “poor me.” The rescuer’s thinking is “let me help you.” The persecutor’s thinking is “it’s your fault.” These roles are not static. For example, the victim might turn on the rescuer, the rescuer then switches to persecuting. Just like the roles in the spotlight diagram, everyone is imagining the thoughts and feelings of one another, assuming their imagination is accurate, and takes action based on inaccurate information about the other.

The drama triangle is embedded in the spotlight diagram, which shows everyone doing their best in early to mid stage addiction. Although they are doing their best, they are unaware of the roles or how to get out of them.

Numerous people have used the drama triangle in their work to show how difficult and emotional interpersonal dynamics can play out. In the attachment below, David Emerald and Donna Zajonc describe the core beliefs of the three roles and suggest The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) as a method to get out of what they refer to as the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). The Empowerment Dynamic suggests a shift for each of the three roles.

• Victim to Creator
• Rescuer to Coach
• Persecutor to Challenger

Optimally, by seeing a larger picture of impersonal patterns and suggestions for a shift you can experiment with new behaviors. You can see their webpage for more detail of their approach to work with these patterns. (attachment here, or a link to their webpage ??)

Over time, the confusing relational dynamics can lead to trauma

Although trauma is not a given when addiction is caught and intervened upon early, the roles can morph from strategies to deal with problems to survival strategies of trauma. However, not all addiction in the family is related to trauma, and when addiction does relate to trauma it’s likely the trauma may not be known. For children that grow up in families with these roles (like I did) unless they learn new skills about human relationships, in adulthood the same defensive coping strategies may be a default. There are a number of possible reactions, all of them distort the child’s developmental process. These patterns can be learned behaviors that are passed from one generation to the next.

Since the early 2000’s, Dr. Gabor Mate has been prominent in bringing forth the link between trauma and addiction. He has hundreds of videos on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=gabor+mate+addiction+and+trauma

Gabor takes the position that under all significant addiction, at least drug injection addiction is trauma. Not everyone is in agreement. Even if all addiction doesn’t start as a response to trauma, it may progress to trauma for the one in addiction and others in the family.

My understanding of the four trauma roles comes from Dr. Eric Wolterstorff, a protege of Dr. Peter Levin. The trauma roles are important because they show a visual picture of what surrounds addiction in the family. The general diagram can help family members look through a new lens at their own role. The sequence of diagrams presents an opportunity for family members to see a natural progression of responses to addiction in the family. Although addiction in the family is personal, there are impersonal patterns that family members are pulled into. Eric talks about the four roles and suggests ways for healing. (pdf of Eric’s article)

You, your family and trauma

If trauma is part of your experience with addiction, seek a skilled therapist. There are two important criteria in this search. First, find a therapist who you feel comfortable with, someone who does not label your behavior as codependent. Second, look for a therapist who has extensive training with trauma. From reading this page and some of the links, you have a base of information. Ask questions.

Trauma is a huge topic that cannot fully be addressed on this page.

• Link to trauma page within this website
• Trauma and addiction in families through cultural development

Below are some links to good info about how trauma and addiction impacts relationships in the family. However, the language “codependency” is commonly used, which may or may not accurately describe your situation.

Beware the word, “codependency” shames families

The word “codependency” has been in the language of addiction since the 1980’s. Numerous knowledgeable addiction professionals and therapists did good exploration and dove deep into relational patterns with addiction. However, families have been labeled and subtly and not so subtly blamed.

This thinking from professionals has contributed to the challenge for families to be a stronger part of their family’s solution. There is good info below, but the word “codependency” is not a word I use to talk about a family members love, caring and actions to help their loved one struggling with addiction. But “codependency” is still a part of the rational thinking in the addiction/recovery space. In time, this will change.

My apologies for passing on information that continues the stigma and shame to families. However, when you read the word, “codependency” in your mind insert “pro” in front of it. Prodependency is a word created by Robert Weiss. Listen to my conversation with him on my podcast, “Families Navigating Addiction & Recovery.” http://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/category/podcasts/

• https://www.integration.samhsa.gov/clinical-practice/trauma
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-doesnt-kill-us/201201/what-is-trauma
• https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/
• Podcast with Dr. Jonice Webb talking about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) http://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/2019/01/09/jonice-webb/
• https://psychcentral.com/lib/trauma-and-codependency/

Being aware of trauma is an important component to addiction in the family. The above links scratch the surface.

The research with addiction recovery is clear

When recovery includes family recovery, the outcomes are improved. (insert link to William White’s info)

In contrast, our standard of care with addiction has a narrow focus on the problem and the solution. Families are in the prime role to expand potential solutions. The narrow focus on the problem of addiction is it’s a brain disease, which has narrowed the main solution-heal the brain. Let’s be clear, a focus on healing the brain is critically important.  But much substantive elements of the solution lie in the shadow of this narrow focus. It’s those elements which is what the family has the most potential to influence. Clear boundaries. Clear communication. Clear consequences.

With the wisdom gained from attempting to negotiate with the manipulative, cruel, and brutal rules of addiction, you’ve learned quite a lot. Now it’s time for you to make your own rules, the rules of your household, interactions with your family, and clarity with expectations and consequences. The family structure of the spotlight diagram is a coping pattern the family used to accommodate to addiction while doing their best to stay connected as a family. However, now it’s time for the family to clarify what rules will best serve their goals, and use those rules as a step towards creating boundaries and protection from addiction manipulating the family structure once again.

There’s a problem

Just because I see addiction in the family as an opportunity does not mean that your or others in your family will. I’m sure you can think of one or two people who will initially say, “I didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t have to change anything.” Expect it. They have good reason to be hesitant. Old thinking and labeling patterns about addiction are still alive in our culture today.

One person’s hesitancy to change does not mean that others in the family can’t change. However, even if you know that one person will baulk, initially it is still necessary to bring them into the fold by including them in what you are learning and what you’d like to do to create conditions in your family that maximize factors that protect the family from addiction.

The old pattern was to assume the thoughts and feelings of others and act as if this is accurate. Even if your assumption of your loved one having no interest in expanding their understanding of solutions is accurate, not asking them continues the old pattern. Asking the person you believe will resist change, is an action you can take to start the process of changing family pattern. You take responsibility for clarifying what you would like without taking responsibility for how they will respond. It’s new behavior on your part. You model taking a new behavior.

The process of asking also creates an opportunity for you to connect deeply with yourself, share more of what’s important to you, and have a new conversation. Whether they engage or not, the process of asking with genuine curiosity may be most important.

Excellent work being done to address the addiction problem, but it’s not enough

There are numerous organizations, agencies, clinics, treatment centers and private practitioners doing great work. But the reality is that despite our best efforts, the statistics with addiction is not going down. Obviously, there are numerous factors that contribute to the statistics, many that we do not directly control or have little influence. However, there are things we can directly influence-like the structure of our families that are either vulnerable to addiction or maximize protective factors and encourage each family member to thrive.

There are many good treatment centers doing good work that have a family component (Skyping parents into family therapy sessions, family groups, and family programs). Family support groups like Al Anon are all around the world. These have helped many family members understand how they are involved and what they can do to make change. We need more entry points that meet individuals and families where they are at without shaming them.

Over the last year and a half, I’ve been a part of the Multiple Pathways to Individual and Family Recovery working group within the organization, Facing Addiction (https://www.facingaddiction.org). Many wonderful people have contributed to putting out a document and webinar that explains multiple options. (insert the Multiple Pathways document here)

The Family Recovery Care Manager change group

Ideally, your loved one is safe in treatment, surrounded by likeminded others, and has a positive mindset about their change process in recovery. Know that relapse may be a part of their change process. Know that even if things with your loved one are optimal and feel hopeful now, this can take a turn down. Know that addiction is not something to be fixed, but a messenger signaling change, on numerous levels is necessary.

Even if everything is optimal for your loved one now, there will be decisions arise in this process. Ideally, you navigate those decisions with your loved one in ways that build trust, set boundaries, increase clarity in communication today and into the future.

Realistically, your loved one may have been in and out of treatment numerous times, they’re still hanging out with same folks, and they continue to say what they intend to do, but can’t do it.

Realistically, you may be having doubts, getting discouraged, and/or thinking about cutting them off. Know that relationship and connection are pivotal for individuals anywhere in the addiction/recovery process. Your relationship with your loved one is pivotal. I’m guessing there are some things you can change that increase your chances of getting your needs met, some things for you to make decisions about.

Whether making a practical decision about what to do or not do, and how you want to do it, or if you are in some stage of change about an inner shift in your own belief system, use this group for  support of yourself, your own change process.

Online Intervene group provides structure, connection with likeminded others, natural opportunities for skill building, and decision making

The structure of the online groups starts with opportunities for you to navigate the continuum between anonymity and openly sharing who you are and details you wish to share about your situation.

The structure supports you to self select what is most appropriate for you. You can start with anonymity and can move to openly sharing details of your situation. You will have choice each step of the way. The online groups are not facebook groups.

All of the groups provide opportunities for you to learn and practice:

• Building trust
• Boundaries
• Communication skills
• Conflict resolution skills
• Problem solving skills

These are all skills you can implement into your family when you choose.

The objective of the Intervene group is to get clear on your criteria to make best decision  about how best for you to intervene, structure conversations, explore the idea of professional intervention models and, if needed get you connected with an interventionist that meets your goals.

The Intervene group will meet online 3 times a week for an hour. Half of the time will be spent with an opening, check in’s, and specific content delivery on a 12 week rotation. The other half of the time is for group members to share what has worked and not relative to the topic, reflections, questions and coaching.

Here’s an example of topics:

• Learn different strategies to intervene with and without an interventionist
• Learn how to choose an interventionist that is right for you
• Learn the power of a recovery message and how best to use it
• Find your criteria to choose an intervention team (family and friends)

Get out of the circular pattern of Crisis, Intervene. . . Worry, Concern and back to Crisis. You have influence.

You have two choices: an online group or individual coaching.

If you’re thinking about how you intervene after a crisis or you’re thinking about hiring a professional interventionist, this may be the group for you. Check out the communication guidelines which contributes to the structure of optimal mutual support, optimal self empowered decision making and navigating towards solutions that align with your beliefs, situation, and future goals. Communication Guidelines

Contact me: If you have a question feel free to email me at jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com (put “Intervene group in the subject line), or schedule a time to chat. https://meetme.so/jeffjones

Signup for the Intervene group.

Signup for individual coaching

It’s difficult, if not impossible, for family members to assess their loved one’s relationship with a substance or process. If you think there’s a problem, there’s a problem-at least for you. It’s a great time to educate yourself about potential factors that contribute to making your loved one and your family vulnerable to the problem you see now, turning into addiction.

Focusing your attention on factors that contribute (around the epicenter of the “addiction disruption”) allow you to increase protective factors in your family. When you begin to understand general factors that contribute to the vulnerability and factors that are specific to your loved one and your family, you focus your attention on what you can do to improve the context around the epicenter.

General Factors that contribute

• https://www.samhsa.gov/capt/practicing-effective-prevention/prevention-behavioral-health/risk-protective-factors
• https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/drugs-brain
• https://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/addiction/mentalillness/

No lasting behavioral change happens w/o brain change. No lasting brain change happens w/o behavioral change. In other words, change doesn’t happen just by reading some good, interesting info. You need to integrate it.

At the bottom of this page you can sign up for a group to help you learn, practice, and integrate the new behaviors.

Specific Factors that contribute

Differences

Due to our unique combination of genetics, environment, mental health, life experiences, resources and resiliency, we are attracted to different substances and we process them differently. We make meaning of life events differently.

Although any of us can become addicted, some of us are much more vulnerable. Depending on our environment and lifestyle, some of us are much more vulnerable than others.

Stress

A certain amount of stress is motivating, but too much and our ability to function is challenged. Stress happens in families with addiction. The spotlight diagram is an example of how individuals and families with addition handle stress. Of course, each role handles the stress differently and will respond best to different resources that have meaning to them.

Trauma

Trauma is not what happens to us, but what happens inside our bodies. How we make meaning of our world and life events, and the amount of resources and the capacity to use them determines if we hold the memory of life events in our body or if we have a way to work with difficult life events. There’s quite a bit to trauma and how you can best resource yourself.

• http://www.traumadynamics.com/our-team (scroll to the bottom to see the video)
• https://traumapractice.org/self-help-materials/

Putting the pieces together to determine risk factors for your situation

Traditional thinking suggests putting these pieces together in therapy. This is a great choice, but not everyone has the means or interest to go into therapy. Now, there’s a low risk, low expense, high value way to learn more about general patterns of addiction in families to identify risk factors and make best choices about your individual situation.

The structure of the online groups starts with opportunities for you to navigate the continuum between anonymity and openly sharing who you are and details you wish to share about your situation.

The structure supports you to self select what is most appropriate for you. You can start with anonymity and can move to openly sharing details of your situation. You will have choice each step of the way. The online groups are not facebook groups.

All of the groups provide opportunities for you to learn and practice:

• Building trust
• Boundaries
• Communication skills
• Conflict resolution skills
• Problem solving skills

These are all skills you can implement into your family when you choose. 

The objective of the change group is to support your change so you can best support your loved one’s change. It’s not same for each person. Your changes influences the change of the structure of the family, which creates an environment of protective factors. There will be less chance of relapse, less division, less conflict and when you are learning new skills you increase your family’s ability to communicate, make decisions together, and create a family plan.

The change group will meet online twice a week for an hour. Half of the time will be spent with an opening, check in’s, and specific content delivery. The other half of the time is for group members to share what has worked and relative to the topic, what hasn’t worked. It’s a time to ask questions, get coaching, and if you like, ask for an accountability buddy from the group.

Here’s an example of topics

• Their change / Your change
• Decision making in the process of a loved one’s recovery
• Your critical involvement in discharge planning
• Suggestions on structure for organizing a family meetings
• How family change influences your loved one’s change, before, during and after recovery

It’s great if your loved one is in treatment and making change. In the change group you’ll learn why the treatment center’s family groups and program are important to prioritize and attend. You’ll have a sounding board that reinforces what you’ve learned in family groups, reinforces your practicing new skills, and supports you doing everything you can to insure your loved one’s recovery success.

The same behaviors you used to help get your loved one into treatment may be an obstacle in the recovery process and at this stage of change. If just one person (your loved one in treatment) is the only person making change, potential problems multiply. Take change seriously.

If your loved one is not in recovery, your change is still crucially important. But know that at any stage of the process, change means making hard decisions about how you express your love and caring, and match it to your loved one’s level of change.

Take change seriously.

You have three choices: an online group, schedule a time to chat or ask a question, or individual coaching.

1) Signup for the Change group. If you’re interested in the Change group, check out the communication guidelines which contributes to the structure of optimal mutual support, optimal self empowered decision making and navigating towards solutions that align with your beliefs, situation, and future goals. Communication Guidelines

2) Are you wondering if this group is right for your situation? Send an email to jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com (put “Change group” in the subject line), or schedule a time to chat. https://meetme.so/jeffjones

3) Signup for individual coaching