Keep in mind that the foremost principle guiding the online chats is that Family Recovery Caregivers are people caught up in circumstances beyond their ability to healthfully cope. Their helping demonstrates nothing more than a normal and healthy attempt to remain connected to a failing loved one while facing extraordinarily difficult circumstances.
Our work is to practice radical acceptance of those who are willing to reach out to help their family situation. Optimally, we bring compassion and kindness to each other. In this climate, the potential for safety, deep healing and transformation occurs organically through acceptance, wisdom, and timing. We are not perfect, but practicing.
There must be a sufficient sense of safety in the community before mutuality can take root, grow, and be realized. Accordingly, these guidelines are about creating a safe-enough space to practice. The vibe in each online group will develop over time with intention, practice, and awareness.
Confidentiality is essential for creating safety. Respect the confidentiality of group or forum members in regards to all content, and do not repeat/repost elsewhere without express permission of the speaker or writer.
Things that undermine safety:
- The sense that any one person is dominating the space.
- Giving advice; “fixing.”
- Headiness, abstraction, or conceptual framing that doesn’t honor the unique humanity of the speaker.
- Anger that blasts and blames.
- Making the other responsible for what you’re feeling.
- Giving feedback before safety, connection, and trust is established.
- Taking away someone’s experience by trying to change how they feel (for example: “Don’t be sad, everything will work out fine”).Recommended practices
- Be respectful of people’s shares or postings.
- If something is welling up, it is useful to share it as appropriate.
- Make “I” rather than “you” statements if you get triggered by something (i.e., “I feel” rather than “you did thus and such” or “you made me feel thus and such”).
- Have the intention to come from your deepest place.
- Support one another in staying in integrity.
- Acknowledge people’s totality as both divine (Presence) and human (individual). This can be an internal attitude you hold as much as it’s anything you directly communicate.
- Help people feel validated, valued, and seen by finding a few words to let them know you got them (see “Notes on Reflecting” below).
- It’s okay to decline feedback—you can specify this in your share/post.
- Be willing to vulnerably reveal yourself to the group – as trust deepens and when you feel safe enough to do so.
- Avoid labeling other people or referring to them as their role, as if this explains why they are as they are (however, you can speak about your own experience in a role, if this is something useful you are exploring).
- If you are experiencing intense or explosive emotions, see the special cautions. Do not vent directly at anyone, or use abusive or demeaning language.
- It’s okay to express a difference of opinion, but do it with respect.
- Don’t expect this group to be a substitute for one-on-one work with a guide, a therapist, or coach (groups function best when all members are doing their own work). If you want a referral, email me at jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com
- If you get really triggered, you may want to speak this to a neutral third party first. Ask me to talk about the general topic, “Triggers” in a Community Chat. Then you’ll be more able to communicate with less
reactivity to the other party. - Shifting our patterns of communication takes practice and will inevitably get messy at times. Do call upon your guide, therapists, coach or support team when needed.Notes on Reflecting
- Skill in giving reflections will develop with practice.
- Don’t feel obligated to give reflections until you’re moved to do so.
- You don’t need to impress people with clever insights.
- You don’t need to do it the way anyone else does it.
- Being will support the space.
- Sometimes nothing arises; if that happens, keep your response very simple. Don’t try to make things up just because you think you are expected to.
- Read/listen with your inner senses turned on: ears, eyes, body, and heart.
- You can reflect what you noticed – examples:
“I heard you say ______”
“I see how small that made you feel”
“I feel how that might have been for you”
“I was touched by hearing about that situation” - Sometimes you simply repeat back something they said — you can do this to be sure you heard correctly: “Let me see if I “got” you: what I heard was this_______.”
- As you’re listening, or reading someone’s post, you might be reminded of similar situations from your life. Reflect the speaker’s experience first, and then, if so moved, you might share your story in your own separate post or sharing time.
You can:
- Name any emotion you pick up from them: “I get how (angry/ frustrated/sad/irritated/scared/ etc.) you feel.”
- Say something about them that you admire or respect (like their courage or willingness to speak what they shared, or how valuable it was for you to hear it).
- You can ask a clarifying question, or invite them to say more about the situation or feeling. If you are being asked, know you can check in with yourself first, and if saying more is not right, decline the invitation.Special cautions:
There are real limits as well as advantages, however, it’s easier to forget that others are sensitive beings who can feel hurt by insensitive comments. On an online forum, please be kind, try to sense other people’s point of view, give them the benefit of the doubt, and be supportive. No flaming or name calling! If you’re feeling triggered, think twice before posting or speaking.
Don’t assume you know what’s going on with others, or why it’s happening. Remain curious and ask questions.
If you get a hunch, insight or “hit”:
- Don’t immediately speak or post it. The most powerful insight comes from within, when that person is ready to discover it for themselves (rather than when told by someone else).
- Or, you can check it out with them, presenting it as a maybe for them to check against their own knowing and resonance.
The communication skills we practice in together may be the same communication skills that you practice and integrate into your own family.