Bliss called me from her hospital bed. Emphatically, insisting I do an intervention on her son, Buckle. In an exhaustive tone, she explained that (as a result of past pain) everyone else in the family cut Buckle out of their lives. She described details of three previous treatment programs, and that Buckle had just relapsed 13 days after discharge from his last treatment. Because of their excellent website, she considered it one of the finest treatment centers in the West. “But they failed me.” Bliss saw her role as persisting, fighting, and advocating for her son, which often meant pushing the treatment center’s policy. With a lilt in her voice, Bliss insisted I convince Buckle to go back into treatment. Treatment number four.
Years of history have clarified the symbiotic relationship between the addicted individual and the advocate role in the family. The progression of the addiction is proportionate to the level of focus and concern from family. Of course Bliss was deathly concerned for Buckle. So concerned that she struggled to see her own needs. With initial reluctance, she began to accept that her pushing through a traffic light about to turn red and getting into an accident, put her own life in danger. Potential death – the same kind of danger she attempted to prevent with Buckle.
From her hospital bed, Bliss was able to connect with like-minded peers online who had stories of struggles with their own adult child’s addiction. The stories percolated slowly into the corners of her mind. Incremental insights. Momentary acknowledgement before sliding into familiar shame. Connecting her past desperation to save Buckle, with skills learned in the community, specifically the Belief System Cycle, inspired her to create new beliefs. Days confined to her bed, resulted in awareness of her habitual thoughts that historically lead to unrealistic expectations she had of herself.
She needed to understand what contributed to risking her own life in a car accident. From the Spotlight Diagram, she learned that her habitual strategy of advocacy with Buckle was not her fault. But now she knew, it was her responsibility to take different actions. Continuing through videos in the family community inspired her to consider going back into therapy, for herself. She felt a surge of hope.
Something was changing inside. Upon seeing Buckle while discharging from the hospital, she said, “Son, because of your suffering, you have helped me to see my own suffering and how frustrated I am with myself. This patterns go back a long ways in my family. Maybe this is the generation where we can stop the transmission of suffering. I’m committed to a healing process. You can join me. If you are not ready, know that I love you and you are always welcome to join me.”
Buckle expected her complaints and pleading. But instead felt very alone, maybe for the first time in his life. Was she giving him permission to drink or giving him full responsibility? He drove Bliss home in silence.
You can learn more about how you can start a healing process before your loved one has stopped using. https://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/changes/
Jeff Jones LPC, CACIII, Certified Intervention Professional, and Family Coach has created online family groups for two reasons: 1) In the addiction crisis, families are the biggest stakeholder, with the least support to productively engage in longterm solutions, and 2) with the support of likeminded people, families can have a stronger voice for solutions in their own family, their community, and our world.
Would you like to see a particular topic addressed? Send me an email and let me know. jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com
