Often, when we aren’t sure a loved one’s use of a substance is a problem or not, we talk with them.
I’m a big proponent of direct communication, however addiction changes my approach.
If what you’re seeing is early stage addiction, the same approach to communication that you used before the addiction may not be a useful approach if addiction has begun to manipulate your loved one’s thinking.
You see a problem; they do not.
As the stages of change model shows, you may be at “is my loved one’s behavior a problem or not?” If you too are a proponent of direct communication, you may try to discuss it with them.
However, your loved one is in pre-contemplation, “there is no problem.” Even when problems are obvious to you, they may not be for your loved one.
The stages of change model has quite a bit of research about how change occurs.
Experience has shown me that people who are linear thinkers get this model right away. But people who are nonlinear thinkers may have difficulties.
One difficulty, I’ve seen people have with the stages of change model is that although it shows how a process of individual change occurs, it lacks showing interpersonal change in relation to individual change.
Another difficulty, specifically for families who may feel cultural shame and stigma, is the stages of change model is circular. It’s dismal. Families do not see where they fit, and where to focus their energy to be most helpful.
Imagine the addiction/recovery journey like a river trip.
No family would show up for a long river trip with no lifejackets or no food, but this unpreparedness is the norm with addiction.
In part, cultural enabling of addiction is responsible for this unpreparedness.
Unpreparedness to deal with addiction is not the family’s fault, but it ia now their responsibility.
For individual family members or whole families trying to understand how they can best be helpful at this stage, we’ve shifted the imagery to a river journey with known obstacles to navigate.
Once families have a sense addiction may be a possibility in their loved one, the river gives them an inspiring image to prepare themselves for the journey. The river provides context for the stages of change model. Together they deepen the understanding of the process for everyone.
Preparedness for a river journey is similar to preparing for addiction in the family.
Before going on a river trip one can research:
- The specific river
- Appropriate provisions,
- Equipment needed on the river
- Equipment needed in camp
- Communication processes used with the group you’ll travel with
- Communication processes used with the people in your boat
- Skills needed to maneuver the boat through the rapids
- Skills and safety equipment needed should the boat flip
Although preparing for a river trip and preparing for addiction in the family have significant differences, we will start by focusing on one important similarity-managing the level of risk.
Here are some ideas to start your preparation for early stage addiction:
- Get clear about specific behaviors that concerns you
- Distinguish between your concerns and crisis that occurs
- Notice how each person in the family reacts to crisis
- Notice how people in your family relate to one another
- After a crisis what intervening words are spoken to your loved one
- How do you feel inside when your loved one cannot do what they say
Write down your observations of each of the above. Include date and time. Look for patterns.
This begins your list of specific information about what is happening in your family.
As you see changes you’ll have an objective understanding of the level of risk in the family and what strategies are used to manage it.
General information about addiction and your specific information.
There is quite a lot of general information about addiction on the internet. Some is helpful, some is not. Sometimes comparing the general information to the specifics of what is happening in your family is helpful, sometimes it’s confusing.
Having connection with likeminded group to gather the experiences of others, compare, contrast, process, and stay engaged over time can be helpful. You may find that having your own guide is what serves you best right now. Or both the group and the guide may fit your situation best. Your choice.
Are you wondering if group or individual coaching is right for your situation? Let us know of your interest by sending an email to jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com or signup for individual coaching
Links to general information about addiction.
Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction-National Institute on Drug Abuse.
https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/drugs-brain
The Science of Addiction: Genetics and the Brain
https://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/addiction/mentalillness/
Recovery and Recovery Support-SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/recovery
Learn how your family starting a healing process can encourage your loved one to stop using and engage in their individual healing and recovery. https://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/whole-family-healing/
Jeff Jones LPC, CACIII, Certified Intervention Professional, and Family Coach has created online family groups for two reasons: 1) In the addiction crisis, families are the biggest stakeholder, with the least support to productively engage in longterm solutions, and 2) with the support of likeminded people, families can have a stronger voice for solutions in their own family, their community, and our world.
Would you like to see a particular topic addressed? Send me an email and let me know. jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com
