In 1959, JFK used the the metaphor of the Chinese symbols for crisis (“danger” and “opportunity”) to describe a critical situation for the country. The actual translation was incorrect, but his intention was right on.
JFK misinterpreted the definition of ‘crisis.’
What JFK framed as an opportunity is actually a crucial moment when things start to go awry.
The crucial moment is not an opportunity when the crisis is taken at face value. For instance, if the individual at the epicenter of the addiction crisis says they can solve the problem, don’t take these words at face value. They probably cannot do what they say.
JFK’s intention about how to best use ‘crisis’ was right on.
Recognizing the crucial moment when things go awry can be an opportunity when you:
- Educate yourself about warning signs of addiction
- Get support to apply the information to your situation
- Realize your loved one’s crisis can dictate your internal world
Educate yourself about warning signs under an addiction crisis
It’s natural to want to trust that your loved one recognized warning signs that contributed to the crisis and that they’ll take responsible action. But if your loved one is in addiction, their brain is impaired. It’s not realistic to assume they can do what they say. They can’t.
Since your loved one cannot be expected to recognize warning signs, it’s your responsibility. You can start by understanding the basic warning signs of addiction and focusing on the ones that apply to your situation.
- Having conflicts with family members, friends or co-workers
- Having episodes of mood swings, depression or feeling irritable
- Neglecting their school responsibilities– Cutting classes, failing grades
- Neglecting work responsibilities– Missing work or showing declining job performance
- Neglecting home/family responsibilities
- Complaints from teachers, coaches, coworkers, supervisors or classmates
- Having legal problems—interactions with law enforcement
- Showing appetite or sleeping pattern changes
- Showing sudden weight loss or gain
- Showing a deterioration of personal grooming habits
- Showing a loss of coordination resulting in unexplained injuries, accidents or visible bruising
- Unusual odors on breath, person or clothes
- Shakiness, trembling, incoherent or slurred speech
- No longer participating in extracurricular activities, hobbies, sports or exercise
- Money, valuables, or prescription drugs suddenly going missing
- Constantly borrowing money
- Isolation and withdrawal from contacts with others
- Sudden change in relationships, friends, favorite hangouts and hobbies
- Profound changes in personality, attitude or behavior– Mood swings, anger, over-activity, agitation, vacant affect, fearful and paranoid for no apparent reason
Driving after drinking is an example of a warning sign.
Warning signs are important because they push you to make change and create new boundaries. Setting boundaries is not a one and done solution. You need to set them over and over, and above all don’t say something you cannot do. Your behavior is a model for what you want.
Get support to apply the information to your situation.
Once you have warning signs that apply to your situation, you want to take new action around each of them. Your loved one will feel the change.
As an example from the above list. let’s take “constantly borrowing money.”
If money you loan is being spent directly on drugs or alcohol, lending money enables the addiction. However, your loaning money may or may not be so clear.
Take the time to identify what your money actually supports. If your support in any way encourages continued drug use, your support enables addiction not health. It may not be entirely clear, which suggests a conversation.
Think SMART goals: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time bound. End the conversation with identifying what you will do within the SMART goals framework.
An example may be:
“You can live in our house if you are not drinking or doing drugs.”
This example is vague because it does not say what will happen if they are using. Do not make a statement that you are not prepared to follow through on.
Support may look like being a part of a self help group, like Al Anon, having a therapist, coach or a group of parents who know addiction.
Your loved one’s crisis can dictate your inner world.
When a loved one struggles, is failing, and there’s one crisis after another, it’s a natural reaction to take actions you believe will solve the problem.
However, scientists have concluded that humans have a tendency toward “motivated reasoning,” which means a subconscious response to new information that goes against our previous beliefs. You interpret situations in a way that aligns with old beliefs from the past, not what is right in front of you.
Crisis naturally activates your nervous system, increases your concern, and focuses much of your thinking on getting and keeping your loved one safe. Your nervous system naturally goes into fight/flight/freeze. More blood flows to the limbic brain (the emotional brain). Survival is more important than truth.
Calming your nervous system naturally provides the benefit of increasing blood flow to the cortex so you make your best decisions.
If you don’t have a safe place to practice new behavior it’s likely you’ll not be able to create lasting change from simply reading information.
In summary.
If you want more info about warning signs than what this article provides go to the links at the bottom of this page.
Applying the information from warning signs is not easy. Get support from a self help group, like Al Anon, search out a therapist, coach or a group of parents who know addiction.
Cultural addiction messages can reinforce your activated nervous system and you may never know it. Learn to calm your own nervous system so you can make best decisions for your situation.
But I’m still not ready to do anything different.
The family journey with addiction is not for the faint of heart. You will be pushed to a new depth within yourself. You will be pushed to make hard decisions. However, not making a decision is by default, making a decision to reinforce old thinking, old beliefs and defeating feelings about potential solutions.
The sooner you make change the sooner change happens in your family.
Next Steps
Learn about addiction. Get support to make your best decisions. Take action. Practice so you maintain your composure in the heat of the moment.
Learn to regulate any nervous system activation that addition throws in front of you. Sign up for a group that fits your situation: https://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/#groups
Do you have a question? Email me here: jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com
Or schedule a time to chat. https://meetme.so/jeffjones
Or Signup for individual coaching
Learn how your family starting a healing process can encourage your loved one to stop using and engage in their individual healing and recovery. https://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/whole-family-healing/
Jeff Jones LPC, CACIII, Certified Intervention Professional, and Family Coach has created online family groups for two reasons: 1) In the addiction crisis, families are the biggest stakeholder, with the least support to productively engage in longterm solutions, and 2) with the support of likeminded people, families can have a stronger voice for solutions in their own family, their community, and our world.
Would you like to see a particular topic addressed? Send me an email and let me know. jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com
More information about warning signs:
https://www.facingaddiction.org/resources/signs-and-symptoms-of-addiction
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/signs-of-drug-addiction#1