Bob’s daughter, Betty had been in treatment twice and was back on heroine in two weeks. Bob was scared. Barbara, Betty’s mom was on the other side of the country. Fifteen years ago, Barbara found a new relationship, divorced Bob and moved a thousand miles away. Betty felt deserted by her mom. Bob had tried to facilitate healing between them, but to no avail. Over time, he had watched Betty struggle with her feelings and become more distant. Now she wasn’t coming home and he didn’t know where she was sleeping. He felt desperate and thought about hiring an interventionist. Again.
Unhealed Family Trauma Hides Under Drug Use
Opiates are designed to address physical pain, but they also numb emotional pain. When an individual has emotional pain and opiates are their only strategy to mange the pain, it is a slippery slope to dependence, addiction, and increased risks. When addiction treatment is not able to address the underlying unhealed trauma, their recovery is at great risk.
Temporary Relief
Opiates do provide relief. Temporary relief. Optimally, the individual using opiates understands what pain is being covered up, which is the case for prescribed opiates. Too often, a patient will go from a prescribed medication to heroine, which is also an opiate.
In the addiction treatment world, what underlies the pain is not always clear in primary care (first 28 day in treatment), which is why the next step in treatment is extended care.
You Can’t Make Someone Heal
However, we can create conditions that are most optimal for the potential of healing. This is exactly why treatment can be successful. However, when there is unhealed family trauma underlying the addiction, it may be nearly impossible for treatment to address it given there are structural obstacles: shame, limitations of treatment, time, money and location of family.
Now there are online tools that approach addiction in the family as a structural problem with structural solutions. The family can engage in these strength based solutions to motivate their loved one with addiction, complement, enhance and extend addiction treatment services, as well as improve relapse rates after addiction treatment.
Case Study: Unhealed Family Trauma, Relapse and a Start to Family Healing
Barbara was looking online and found “The Family Recovery Solution Deep Community,” an online family recovery community. She learned more about patterns in families with addiction, the impact of divorce on children, and trauma. She started to connect some dots of potential contribution to her daughter’s lack of success with treatment and history of heroine use. She knew that Betty had been devastated, perhaps traumatized after the divorce, especially after Barbara moved across the country to start a new relationship. Reasoning with Betty wasn’t working.
After not speaking to Bob for years, she invited him to check out the same information online – patterns in families with addiction, the impact of divorce on children, and trauma. Bob was curious, specifically about his hair trigger to anger towards Barbara. Eventually, Barbara initiated a family process with Bob. They both invited Betty to join them.
Here’s an example of the voice message they left for Betty:
Betty, Through your suffering, you’ve identified somethings that we’ve always known, which is how hurt we are and how our divorce impacted you. In our frustration with you and your addiction, we recognize our frustration with ourselves. This did not begin with you, or with us either. It goes back a long ways in our family, and maybe this is the generation where we can stop the transmission of suffering.
We’re going to engage in a healing process to stop the suffering. Betty, we would love to have you join us. But if you’re not ready, we’re going to love you anyways, and we invite you to join us whenever you are ready.
Betty was deep in her addiction and didn’t respond to either parent’s invitation. Bob and Barbara went ahead, but emailed Betty notes from the meetings. When Betty read how Bob had recognized his pattern of anger with his mother and had used this old stance of anger to blame Barbara, Betty responded, “WTF?”
She didn’t think her parents could ever talk again, and here was her dad in this process with her mom. After reading Betty’s email, both Bob and Barbara called Betty. In their own way, they invited Betty into the family process, again. Betty never responded. But after several days, Betty checked herself into the same inpatient treatment center she had been in before.
Summary
After Betty’s experience of being abandoned by her mother and not feeling heard by her for years, Betty found a friend in heroine’s ability to numb her pain. Her mother found “The Family Recovery Solution” online and started to learn more. When Betty saw her parent’s interest in healing this trauma, Betty wanted to go into treatment.
Next Steps
Learn how your family starting a healing process can encourage your loved one to stop using and engage in their individual healing and recovery. https://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/whole-family-healing/
Do you have a question? Email me here: jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com
Or schedule a time to chat. https://meetme.so/jeffjones
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Jeff Jones LPC, CACIII, Certified Intervention Professional, and Family Coach has created online family groups for two reasons: 1) In the addiction crisis, families are the biggest stakeholder, with the least support to productively engage in longterm solutions, and 2) with the support of likeminded people, families can have a stronger voice for solutions in their own family, their community, and our world.
Would you like to see a particular topic addressed? Send me an email and let me know. jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com