Holidays are meant for a sharing of joy. However, the holiday season can be a time of increased chaos in family relationships. Unfortunately, if past holidays are associated with challenge and pain, there can be an automatic reaction to coping. When we are not conscious of of a defensive / habitual pattern – a pattern meant to protect us. A way of relating that succeeds in getting us through a difficult time perhaps – but, often it comes at a price. I think you know what I mean.
If there is addiction in the family and a concern that someone will possibly indulge too much in an substance or process, become difficult, belligerent – this concern may be legitimate, but know the concern may taint your attitude, expectations, ability to connect and overall holiday experience.
The family may seem to revolve around this person; this person is in the spotlight. The spotlight is about behavior, in this case possible bad behavior that is triggering an activated state in everyone around the spotlight person. This situation (the holiday festivities) results in increased stress and everyone doing their best to cope. “Doing their best to cope” can mean people resorting to their own past coping strategies.
With alcohol being an example of the substance the spotlight person uses to excess, know that roles form around the spotlight person. Some roles that may be created are:
The role of someone also drinking alcohol, however when they drink they do not have the same problematic outcomes as the spotlight person.
The role of someone wanting to stay connected through communication, but they don’t want to talk about the alcohol or the problems that come from it – they may want connection but avoid the difficult conversations.
The role that is the opposite of avoidance. They may want to talk about the alcohol and the problem that comes from it, and they may communicate in a shaming, blaming or criticizing way. The volumes of voice escalate, and heart rates go up. Arguments result.
The role of someone who really wants to help – help the person in the spotlight role, or help fix the problem. However their helping may not be completely honest; they may be denying the problem and covering for the spotlight person. “Helping” can get problematic here.
Other roles may be someone who is distanced or has distanced themselves from the family. People in these roles may have been in other roles at one time but either were fed up and pulled back or may feel pushed out of the family.
Do some of these seem familiar?
Know that all of the people in these roles are really trying to do their best – do their best to deal with the situation at hand. Whether they are aware of it or this “doing their best” also attempts to regulate their own nervous system. All of the above roles are stressed induced roles. I’m guessing, stress that has been in the family for a while, and the role has become the learned response – the easiest way to cope for that person. People in these roles can shift from role to role and/or become identified and attached to one role. The attachment to the role can become personal. Know that much of this is unconscious. There is more at play here then the surface story, and often we get attached to the surface story. Our attachment can result in self-justified anger and/or underlying hurt.
The holidays which are meant as a time of joy and sharing, can easily turn to opening old wounds, attempting to cover the pain in whatever way we are use to, which too often means covering the pain with headaches, excessive drinking, arguing, avoiding, over-eating, or difficulty sleeping.
It helps to be proactive here. Go into the holidays with a plan. Of course, everyone’s plan needs to be personalized and make sense to them.
Here are some potential elements of a plan for you to think about and see if they make sense for your situation. These are only suggestions and you need to decide what makes sense and is a best fit for you. Notice that some of these may be contradictory. Try new behavior.
Keep expectations for the holiday season realistic and manageable.
Talk with others in your family about coming up with a unified plan.
Rely on others, lean into your support systems.
Before an event really think about what makes the most sense for you.
Try something different then whatever habitual role is automatic. Go easy on you.
Realize you are in a stressful situation, and at every moment you are doing your best.
Slow down. Pace yourself. Ask for help.
Organize your time. Keep busy. Stay productive.
Be someone others would like to interact with.
Stay balanced. There are two sides to every interaction.
Allow yourself to sit with your emotions, before acting them out.
Granted, it isn’t realistic to think that you will make one change and the structure of the whole family system (the roles that form around the spotlight person) will magically change. It is however realistic to start making little changes that you can do with the knowledge that any lasting change takes place over time. Changes you start today can lead to big changes down the road. Your odds of changing another by yourself are limited. However, everyone of us has the power to change ourselves, and this change impacts others. It’s contagious.
If you’re concerned about a particular individual that you will be spending the holidays with check the bottom of the crisis speciality page for ideas in conversation with your loved one. https://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/crisis/
Jeff Jones LPC, CACIII, Certified Intervention Professional, and Family Coach has created online family groups for two reasons: 1) In the addiction crisis, families are the biggest stakeholder, with the least support to productively engage in longterm solutions, and 2) with the support of likeminded people, families can have a stronger voice for solutions in their own family, their community, and our world.
Would you like to see a particular topic addressed? Send me an email and let me know. jeff@thefamilyrecoverysolution.com